Some people just seem to know what’s valuable. They trust their instincts, move with confidence, and recognize worth in things almost intuitively. Others—perhaps like you—aren’t so sure. You hesitate, analyze, second-guess. What if I’m pouring effort into something that doesn’t matter? What if I just don’t see things the way others do?
At some point, I started wondering: Why does this uncertainty exist? Why do some people seem to recognize value effortlessly while others struggle to perceive it at all?
The Mirror Problem: Why You Might Not See Your Own Value
If you never had the right mirrors growing up—the kind that reflect back your strengths, your unique contributions, your essence—you might struggle to recognize what’s valuable in yourself.
Value is often socially reinforced. Not in the shallow “you need validation to be worthy” kind of way, but in the sense that we learn what matters through feedback. If you consistently received praise, attention, or opportunities for something, it became clear to you: this has value.
But what if you didn’t get that kind of reflection? What if your skills, ideas, or ways of thinking weren’t easily understood by the people around you? What if you created something meaningful, but those around you weren’t the right audience for it?
That doesn’t mean your work, ideas, or contributions lack value. It just means the feedback loop never completed. And without those signals, it’s easy to assume: Maybe this isn’t worth much after all.
The Essence Paradox: When You Do Things "Because You Can't Not"
There’s something strange about working from your essence—doing something because it’s simply who you are.
It’s effortless, in a way. Not easy, but natural. You do it whether anyone pays attention or not. You think about it when no one asks you to. You return to it, even when you try to quit.
And yet, ironically, because it feels so natural, it can be harder to see its value.
We assume that value comes from effort, from struggle. If something flows from you effortlessly, it can feel like it must be too easy to be worth much. But that’s not true. Often, the things that come most naturally to you are exactly where your rarest value lies.
The challenge is that, without external reinforcement, you might start questioning yourself:
If this is valuable, why does no one seem to notice?
If this matters, why isn’t it being recognized?
If I stopped doing this, would anything change?
And that’s where motivation wavers. Because why keep going if it doesn’t seem to matter?
Are You Seeking Validation in the Wrong Places?
There’s a classic warning: Don’t throw pearls before swine. It doesn’t mean that pigs are bad—it just means that they don’t recognize the value of pearls. They simply aren’t wired to.
Sometimes, the issue isn’t whether your work has value. It’s where you’re looking for recognition.
If you share deep insights with people who only value surface-level thinking, they won’t care.
If you create beautiful things in a space that prioritizes efficiency over art, it won’t be appreciated.
If your strengths are rare, they might not be immediately recognized.
That doesn’t mean you should stop. It means you might need to find better mirrors.
And Then There’s Social Media
Social media has created new mirrors, but they often show us funhouse reflections. Likes and shares can feel like validation, but they typically reward what's immediately digestible rather than what's deeply valuable. A thoughtful analysis might get fewer likes than a clever quip. A carefully researched article might get less engagement than a controversial hot take.
This digital dynamic can distort our perception of value in several ways:
The immediate feedback loop of social media can make us prioritize quick wins over long-term impact
Algorithms tend to amplify what's already popular, making it harder to recognize niche but meaningful contributions
The quantification of engagement (likes, shares, followers) can make us mistake metrics for meaning
The key is recognizing these platforms for what they are: distribution channels, not validation systems.
How to See the Value in What You Do
If you struggle with this, you’re not alone. Here are a few ways to shift your perspective:
1. Change the Mirrors You Look Into
Not everyone can recognize what you bring. That doesn’t mean your work isn’t valuable—it just means you haven’t found the right feedback loop yet. Look for people, communities, or contexts that resonate with what you offer.
2. Redefine Value Beyond Immediate Feedback
Some of the most important work isn’t recognized right away. Some of the most valuable thinkers, creators, and innovators were overlooked at first. Ask yourself: If no one recognized this yet, would I still believe in it?
3. Experiment in Small Ways
If you’re unsure whether something has value, test it in different spaces. Sometimes, the same idea that gets ignored in one environment thrives in another. Small shifts in context can change everything.
4. Build an Archive of Proof
Document moments where your work, ideas, or perspective made a difference—even if they were small. When doubt creeps in, revisit that archive. Sometimes, your past self has already shown you proof—you just need to look back at it.
Why I’m Giving More Feedback Now
Recently, my son—who is a preteen, so this kind of dramatic statement is natural—said, “You always just say the bad things. You never really mention the good things.”
Of course, part of me knows this is a bit of an exaggeration (and possibly a little manipulative), but I also had to admit—there was some truth to it. Especially in close relationships, whether as a parent, a partner, or even a colleague, we tend to focus on course correction rather than recognition. We assume that praise isn’t as important as pointing out what needs improvement.
And I realized:
I don’t want to be the kind of person who only notices what’s missing.
At the same time, I also don’t want to dish out praise in a predictable, generic way. There’s something about unexpected, genuine feedback that carries extraordinary power.
The Power of Unprompted Praise
I don’t want to praise when it’s expected. I want to give feedback when it’s real—when I truly appreciate something.
I’ve noticed that when you offer a sincere, unexpected compliment or acknowledgment, it lands in a way that feels different. It cuts through doubt. It sticks.
And I think that’s because so many of us grew up in environments where positive feedback was rare. I know I did. It wasn’t that people didn’t see my strengths; it was more that they assumed:
She probably already knows she’s good at that.
She’s getting praise from other places, so let’s focus on where she needs to improve.
Better not give too much praise or she’ll get big-headed (that was the standard back then)
And maybe you experienced that, too. Maybe you didn’t get the kind of reflections that would have helped you see your own value more clearly.
Which is why now, I try to be less stingy with my feedback.
But one important caution: It has to be real.
Praise and positive feedback can be incredibly powerful—but they can also be manipulative if used strategically. I had to make a conscious agreement with myself: I’ll give feedback in real-time, when I feel it, not as a tactic. Because when it’s done with an agenda, people can feel it. And then it stops being a gift and starts feeling like a transaction.
Self-Worth Isn’t a Solo Project
We like to think self-worth is something we should just have—but for most people, it’s built through a mix of experience, feedback, and recognition over time. It’s not just about believing in yourself in isolation; it’s about finding spaces where your value is reflected back to you.
So, if you feel lost in the question of value, maybe the real question isn’t “Is what I do valuable?” but rather, “Where will this be seen, appreciated, and fully realized?”
I’ve known all of this for years. And yet knowing doesn’t necessarily mean applying on a consistent basis over time. So thank you for the reminder. As I side note, it took me the first 13-14 years of my career to experiment just exactly how I would best be able to create the most value for the people I wanted to serve doing what I wanted to do. The 30 or so subsequent years have amazing! I must have guessed right.
All the 4 points. Distribution channels instead of validation platforms.
We hear ppl say that someone was in the right place at the right time. You expounded the opposite situation quite well.